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19 Sep
Laptop. Lap cat. Oona is a helper.

Laptop. Lap cat. Oona is a helper.

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Oh, Odin

24 Mar

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written here, but it should surprise no one that the occasion of adopting a new kitten/cat/baby cat (age is up for debate currently) has already afforded me with fodder for a blog that is often about animals being assholes. Lets take, oh, the last twelve hours, shall we, to elaborate my point? First, let me show you a picture of the adorable executor of the soon-to-be described assholery.

 

odinface

I may be almost blind, but I can clearly see how to annoy you already.

After nipping me multiple times throughout the night in an attempt to get me to “play,” I was woken up terrified by an insanely large crash coming from the kitchen at about 3am. I jumped out of bed to find Odin on the impossibly high counter I never thought he could reach, having just smacked everything he could from the counter to the floor, including a very heavy crystal vase that amazingly didn’t break but did cause the ear shattering and most likely neighbor-waking noise. I lured him back to bed, only to be woken later by him stepping on my face, where he slide on the uneven terrain and sliced my lip with his razor nails. I chose to feign sleep through the pain so as not to further entertain/provoke the prowling feline.

odinprariedog

Can hardly see but I’m looking for trouble

In the morning, after snoozing my alarm multiple times due to lack of sleep, I got out of bed and took approximately one step before Odin excitedly darted between my legs, causing me to go sprawling across my floor. He dashed away, like a Lilliputian trying not to get crushed by a giant, which is what every woman wants to feel like in the morning. After showering and dressing, I sat down with a can of soda to put my makeup on (don’t judge, most of us get our morning caffeine from somewhere; I get mine from Pepsi). As I cracked the can open, Odin jumped onto my coffee table to exam the noise for a possible food source.

odinchest

Trying to knock over a bottle of water while on the “coffee table” (it’s a chest) because he obviously doesn’t have enough toys.

Having not learned my lesson from him denuding my counter of everything it had, I took my eyes away from him to apply mascara and bam, he smacked the open can to the floor, where the soda shot out and sprayed angrily, covering not only the carpet and chest, but my pants, purse, and Odin himself as he darted through it like a kid in a sprinkler. “ODIN!” I shouted, because shouting always solves things, especially with cats. I cleaned up the best I could, which means I threw paper towels on the mess while saying “Ewww, Ooooodiiiiiinnnnn,” leaving both cat and floor sticky after trying to wipe them both down with a damp sponge. I finally fed him, to his high-pitched sqwaky-meowed thanks, and I went off to work a half-hour late, sans-makeup and in soda covered pants.

odindouble

Who, me?

 

It’s not even been a week since I adopted him and man, do I love this cat, even if he does appear to be an asshole in training.

Part Three: The Rest of What I’ve Learned

30 Jan
I puke in electronics.
  • Believe someone when they show you who they are.
  • Again: BELIEVE SOMEONE WHEN THEY SHOW YOU WHO YOU ARE.
  • Say your prayers.
  • No one is paying as much attention to you as you are, so give  yourself a break.
  • Your first day of work is just another day to everybody else there.
  • Your cat will always puke in the worst possible place. Like your printer.
  • If you talk badly about someone, they’ll show up behind you. However if you talk nicely about someone (say, Leonardo DiCaprio), they most likely will not show up behind you. Ever. Or in front of you or under you or on top of you. Unfortunately.
  • Keep date books and look at them regularly to see what you were doing this date a year or two or ten ago. Actual, leather-bound, write in pen on that thing called paper, date books.
  • When all else fails, force yourself to smile. It will create endorphins that will actually make you feel happier. If it doesn’t work, at least people on the subway will wonder what the hell you’re so happy about.

Part 1: What I’ve Learned Thus Far (in no particular order)

30 Jan
  • Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Judging from my dating life and my career course, I am obviously completely insane.
  • If you find a cat at 3:00 in the morning, keep it. Get it washed and stuff, but keep it. This goes for dogs as well. This does not go for men.
  • When you stop complaining, things actually get better. But it’s not nearly as much fun.
  • Nothing makes you feel better than a fat baby in a bikini.
  • When you move to a building overlooking a construction site, don’t be surprised when you get woken up by jack hammers and multiple day laborers a foot outside your third floor window.
  • Look at the subway seat before you sit down. You’re welcome.
  • Enjoy thunderstorms, even if it means you get drenched. Especially if it means you get drenched.
  • Find beauty in small things, like rainbows in oil puddles, and glitter. And tiny little grains of salt that are perfectly square. I could go on and on.
  • beauty is in the details