Note from Landlord, Translated

Under my door tonight was the following note:

February 10, 2012

Dear Residents,

Please be advised that on Tuesday, February 14, there will be no hot water from 11am-1pm due to plumbing repairs.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and appreciate your cooperation.

Sincerley,

Name of Management Company

Okay, you think. No problem. I shower at 7:45AM, and I’m not home again until 6:30PM or so, earliest. No big deal, right? Oh innocent one, let me teach you the ways of NYC apartment living if you aren’t already horribly familiar. To do that, I will translate the note for you:

February 10th, 2012 (See, we wrote the 10th even though it’s the evening of the 13th, because we totally have to tell you a few days early if we’re shutting off your water and we totally didn’t do that)

Dear I Can’t Take the Time To Write The Names of Each Resident Separately Even Though There’s Only Like Eight Apartments In This Building,

You totally better shower TONIGHT. And by shower tonight, I mean take a good, long shower. Shave your legs, and shave them again. Wash/rinse/repeat repeat repeat, beyotch, and kiss that shower goodbye. Oh, you drink water too? Better start filling up bottles. Or buckets. And the toilet… hmm. Do you have a boyfriend with whom you’re comfortable enough to do your “business” at his place? No? Gym membership? No?! You live in Manhattan, fatass, how do you not have a gym membership? Well, now I know why you don’t have a boyfriend. Anyway. This is probably going to fuck up your whole flushing-of-the-toilet situation. Sorry about that, that stinks. (Get it? STINKS? ROTFLMAO). So yeah. Tomorrow, Tuesday, from 11am – 1PM, your apartment is a water-free zone. And by 11am-1pm, I mean you’re gonna start looking like shit by Thursday unless you bribe a friend to shower at their place.

Sincerley (Really I don’t give a shit! Ha, another shit joke, get it?),

Your Landlord